From my previous four posts, you might think that everything about our trip was perfect. This post reveals the many challenging times that we experienced. Through it all, I learned some great lessons about being happy.
It was going to be an AWESOME trip!! Things were going our way. I actually had the house clean and the St Patrick's decorations up before we left. I wasn't stressed while packing. And even though we were 30 minutes late for the airport, we managed to make our flight with time to spare! Our spirits were high.
But THEN.... our troubles began. Dallin had major diarrhea on the airplane. And of course, in the year 2015, there are still airplanes without changing tables. Luckily, we handled it like professional parents, changing his many diapers and blowouts on our laps in the stalls. We survived just fine and carried on our way.
Then, on the first morning of our trip, Tanner vomited all over Katie's floor.
That was weird, we thought. But we continued our adventures in Seattle without much worry. We toured the city and had a really fun time. Except that Tanner pooped his pants at the market, vomited all over himself in the car, and then threw up again at a park.
(Above, Tanner was changed into his second pair of clothes, not very thrilled about the market.
Below, Tanner is complaining about his tummy hurting. A few minutes later, he vomited)
Since Tanner was so ill, we reluctantly decided to spend the evening at Kateve's home instead of at fun restaurants and museums. We tried taking it in stride, hoping it would just be a 24 hour bug. If anything, this gave us a chance to play with Brooke and Carly without Tanner getting upset about things, as he often does when we plays with other kids.
The next day brought more vomit and a fever. We felt terrible because we knew our twin nieces were sure to get the bug, too. We prayed extra hard that they could be spared from the illness, or at least experience a very minor version of the illness (prayers were answered as they only got a very mild case of what Tanner had).
Unfortunately, Tanner was a zombie the whole time we were in Seattle. He only spoke when he needed a drink. He slept through all our rough housing and loud games.
(Jeremy helped Tanner draw a picture for Grandma. He could barely sit up)
When Monday morning came, we packed everything up for Hawaii with hopes Tanner would perk up soon, but he threw up right before we left for the airport. Steve and Jeremy gave Tanner a priesthood blessing (probably should have done that sooner, but at least we did it!). I'm sure the blessing helped calm Tanner and helped him heal in due time, but nothing was able to stop Tanner from vomiting on the airplane twice before we even took off.
At this point I was having a hard time shirking the negative feelings.
I decided to stay happy, hope for the best, find the positive in the tough situations. Tanner was completely miserable on the 5 hour flight, but the nice thing was that he stayed completely quiet. It was almost like Dallin was an only child, so we were blessed in that way, I guess.
Our first few days in Hawaii had lots of fun moments. We loved playing with energetic Hazel. The weather wasn't warm, but as Minnesotans we didn't complain. We relished in the tropic breezes and tried to ignore the fact that in between rain showers, Tanner was
still miserable and
still throwing up.
The next day, we managed to tour the PCC as a family. Tanner stayed in the stroller for the first hour or two. That's why he's not in this adorable family picture.
Luckily, Tanner perked up here and there, and he actually had a lot of great moments at the PCC. We were so happy that Tanner's appetite started to came back and he stopped throwing up.
But we were granted with another treat: explosive diarrhea.
When I say "explosive," that is exactly what I mean.
I felt terrible the first time it happened. We were visiting out on the lawn while Tanner watched TV in the apartment. I heard him screaming, and I could tell by his cries that he had been crying for a long time. I ran in to find him wallowing in a giant puddle of green liquid spewed all over the couch.
Even with forcing Tanner to wear diapers, we had to do some serious damage control on Melissa's couch...more than once.
Amid Tanner's health issues, we were grateful that Dallin had no tummy issues other than those diarrhea episodes on our first flight of the trip. Instead, Dallin became a cripple.
We noticed that he wasn't walking normally. Probably just a fluke, right? Maybe his leg fell asleep. But day after day, he kept limping, said "hurt, hurt" and requested to be held instead of walk and run. We think he pulled a muscle while rough housing in Seattle. He limped for about 7-8 days.
So BOTH boys had to be held or ride in strollers everywhere we went. Yippee.
And let's not forget how every night, one or both boys would wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning and stay awake for at least an hour, usually crying the whole time. One night, Tanner was so inconsolable that Jeremy took him for a walk around campus at 3 am.
I was getting discouraged. But I stayed determined to not let these setbacks pull my spirits down. I wasn't going to let on to anyone that I was emotionally exhausted, not even to the Lord. So I laughed it off. I buried my feelings. We were in Hawaii after all, things were great!
But really, things were not great at all. While we were trying to have fun on this beautiful island, our sweet Grandma Davidson was on hospice, slipping away quickly.
I couldn't stop thinking about her.
Just a couple weeks earlier she was diagnosed with brain cancer and her health was rapidly deteriorating. This was a shock to everyone. In January, she was at our cousin's wedding in Washington, happy and seemingly healthy as ever. Now, we were waiting to see if she would make it through the week.
Everything we did in Hawaii, no matter how amazing, seemed to be overshadowed by the sorrow of Grandma's situation. During down time, we drew her pictures and sent her recordings of us singing and giving our final goodbyes.
(Jeremy caught a sorry sight as I tried watching Disney shows to get my mind off of Grandma)
Tanner finally got better on our 4th and 5th day in Hawaii. He became his inquisitive, silly self. This also meant he became his anxious self. (Remember, he has been struggling with anxiety, and we are trying to get him the best help we can). At some points, we found ourselves thinking that maybe a super sick Tanner was less exhausting than a super anxious Tanner. But at least now he was healthy. We could finally start having some real fun!
But...early on Friday morning, Grandma passed away.
At this point we had been in Hawaii for 5 days. The day before, on our way to Honolulu for some fun adventures, I said a prayer dedicating our day to Grandma. It's so weird that it ended up being her last day on earth.
On Friday afternoon, Melissa left for Sacramento. We were in full support of her going to help Mom and Grandpa. But having her and baby Hazel leave us was weird. It only added to my feelings of loss.
I found myself praying for strength, praying for comfort and praying for a way to not be mad about everything that was ruining my family trip. I felt guilty for being mad because we were, after all, in Hawaii. Things could definitely be a lot worse. But finally I decided I was done with pretending that everything was okay! I was ready to admit it:
This trip SUCKED!!!
I told Jeremy that maybe we should go a few hours without trying to push our sad feelings away and without giving ourselves words of comfort. He was okay with the idea.
So I sat on the picnic table under a palm tree to rest my brain. I felt the Holy Ghost give me permission to stop trying so hard to be positive. In a weird way, it felt right. I told myself, "No thoughts about the bright side of things. No trying to convince myself that I don't feel sad. Don't worry about counting blessings right now."
Instead, I just let the sadness wash over me. I told God about my anger. Confusion. Frustration. More anger. Exhaustion. It felt good to let my emotions out, to just let them be there, to mourn without trying to find a way to stop mourning.
It was... refreshing. Surprisingly refreshing.
Then something weird happened. After I stopped trying to be positive, it seemed EASIER to be positive. Maybe psychologists have a name for this phenomenon, I don't know. All I know is that once I really took the time to be mad and extremely sorrowful about everything, things got a lot better for me.
I think God was teaching me that it is okay to be human and to take time to grieve.
The funeral was scheduled for the following Saturday. Jeremy and I decided it made more sense to fly straight from Hawaii to Sacramento for the funeral. Changing our return flights to the mainland was a big pain, but it actually gave us two extra days in Hawaii. This was a much needed positive for us. The sun came out a lot during those two days, and we got to enjoy the beach while Tanner was healthy.
Don't be mistaken, I was still sad about Grandma passing. But instead of trying to bury and ignore my sadness, I found a way to be sad and happy at the same time. I discovered that there is a difference. A huge difference.
Our flights to Sacramento were loooong and filled with
plenty of disappointments along the way. As I recognized and owned the sadness of each disappointment, it again was refreshing. I didn't feel obligated to try being happy. I just let things
be.
Sacramento was wonderful. All of our siblings and their kids were there for the funeral (except Matt, who is on a mission). We ate lots of yummy food, played games with extended family, had music time and dance parties with our kids, and laughed a lot. We laughed a lot more than you might expect for a family that's altogether for a funeral.
Grandma would have been proud. She always had a way of being happy and spreading that true happiness to others. She even insisted that everyone wear smiley face stickers at her funeral, and we did!
But after getting home from this trip, Grandma's positivity left me a little perplexed. Because the big lesson I learned on this trip is that sometimes in order to be happy, you have to allow yourself to be sad, to feel, to be human. Did Grandma ever allow herself to do that?
I guess I won't know for sure until I see her again. But after lots of thought, I've decided that Grandma's secret to happiness can be found in her favorite song: "In the Garden." I learned it at her funeral.
In a very real way, this song was her last testimony of how to find true happiness. There's no doubt that Grandma was happy because she knew how to allow the Savior in her life.
The song taught me what I already knew, but in a new way: being whole is not a prerequisite to coming unto Christ, it is the
result of coming unto Christ. The song says "I go to the garden alone," unhealed, imperfect, and searching. Then, she finds rest and strength with the Savior. When He bids her go, the singer leaves feeling His love and companionship as she walks on her way.
All throughout the trip, I was trying to stay unbroken. I was afraid that admitting my sorrows and frustrations to the Lord would show a lack of faith and gratitude. But the scripture says, "Cometh unto me with a broken heart" (3 Nephi 9:20). It wasn't until I let myself be broken that I was able to feel His healing.
Looking back, I realize that it was under that palm tree that I was held in the palm of His hand.
Learning this lesson about my Savior's love is the real reason that this was one Epic Trip.
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