There are a lot of bloggers out there talking about the modern challenges of motherhood and parenthood. A few of my favorite blogs are Daddy Doin Work and Capturing Motherhood Moment by Moment.
And of course, the Huffington Post has hundreds of articles that come out every week. One I read recently was: 5 Mom-Shaming Trends That Need to Stop Now
As you can see, I have a lot to say about this article!
The author's main point is to stop judging other mamas. I agree! Believe me, the challenges that I've faced with motherhood so far have taught me that you never know how much someone is actually struggling.
While the article is trying to gain acceptance from moms, I think it ends up becoming pretty un-accepting of any mom that has had success with certain aspects of motherhood. The writer describes several experiences where moms were very angry about challenges they had with motherhood, directing much of their anger toward other moms. That's not okay with me.
I think we should stop getting all wigged out over what other moms do or do not succeed in.
Why do we have to assume that a mom that uses essential oils, or goes gluten free, or breastfeeds, or always dresses up, or shops in her pajamas, or uses cloth diapers or has an adorable nursery thinks that all other moms who don't do those things are horrible people? For the most part, that simply is not the case.
The mom that uses essential oils probably doesn't think that using over-the-counter pain killers is bad. She probably just uses the oils because someone keeps giving them to her, and she likes the smells. That gluten free mom isn't judging others. She probably has a special needs child that responds to life better without gluten. The breastfeeding mom might have wished to bottle-feed, but thankfully her baby latched because her income gave her no other option but to breastfeed. That mom that always dresses up is probably longing for her PJ's. That pajama mom doesn't think the dressed up mothers are worldly or vain. She just doesn't own anything that fits during this "stage" of motherhood. That cloth diaper mom isn't judging the carbon footprint of others. She might have a child with extreme skin allergies. And that mom with the adorable nursery probably has a mother-in-law that insisted on decorating it and chose all the colors that she hates.
Or...maybe that mom with the cute nursery actually is super crafty and was able to find time to decorate. And maybe that gluten free mom really does believe that gluten is a menace to western diet. So why do her skills or her strong convictions have to be considered a BAD thing?! Why do her efforts to share what has worked for her somehow get interpreted as a shaming tactic to other moms?!
I think what is really happening to us women is that we are placing guilt and shame on ourselves. As women and mothers, we place all these unrealistic expectations on ourselves: "To be a good mom, I should control everything my child eats." Then we compare ourselves to others: "Suzy is dairy and gluten free. I guess I should be too or else she will think I'm not a good mom." And then when we don't meet the expectations, we allow feelings of failure to govern how we think of ourselves: "This gluten free thing is really hard. I'm a failure at it. I'm a terrible mom." And then we unfairly put blame on the people that we compared ourselves to: "It's all Suzy's fault that I feel this way. She has to be SO perfect at being gluten free!" When really all along, it was our own judgments on ourselves that caused all these feelings.
When this happens, the only productive thing that I can think of doing might turn some people off because it is religious. For real, though, I think turning to our Savior is extremely helpful with this whole concept of feeling like a successful mom. Christ helps us understand what is realistic to expect of ourselves and how to love ourselves as much as we love our neighbor. We can let Christ make up the difference for what we can't do on our own. At least for me, this is the only way I find healing from self destructive thinking, especially in regards to being a mom.
In some comments to the article about Mom-Shaming Trends, a bunch of women described how guilty they feel about having a C-section. They feel angry toward natural birthing moms because the natural birthing moms "make" them feel like they have to justify why they had a C-section. I feel badly that these mothers think they are failures. But at the same time, it's not fair for them to blame other moms for their own feelings of sadness and loss. Other moms had nothing to do with it!
Well wait a minute, you might say. Yes, those other moms did have something to do with me feeling guilty for my unplanned C-section. The only reason I wanted a natural birth was because all these other moms were saying that I should do it, that it's the best thing for my baby. And when I tell them about the C-section, they give me this look of pity.
So just because they encouraged you to try natural birth and are sad with you about the unplanned C-section, that automatically means they think you are a failure? You have to realize that it's okay for your friends to be sad for you when something didn't go the way you hoped. That's not being judgmental. That's called being a good friend.
And even if they DO think you are a failure, why do you care about their opinion? I know why. Because often we feel our worth is defined by what other people think of us. I'm totally guilty of this kind of thinking. Even with preparing for my own birth, I had to constantly tell myself that it doesn't matter what other people think.
Honestly, while other moms are feeling guilty about their C-sections, here I am, feeling guilty about my natural birth. I really enjoyed my pregnancies and natural births! But every time I say this, I'm so worried that people think I'm arrogant, or a crazy granola mom, or that I'm judging them because they maybe didn't have a similar experience.
It's stupid, really. We are so fearful of the opinions of others!
We are afraid to share our successes because we are worried others will get offended. We're afraid to share our challenges because we are worried others will judge us. Instead of owning our fears and turning to the Lord for healing and strength, we point fingers at every one else and say "It's the mom trends of today! They are shaming me. Everyone stop making me feel bad!"
Let's stop being fearful of what other people think! Let's be more loving towards others and ourselves. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4: 18.
Let's stop arguing about the "right" way to be a mother. Really, the only right way to be a mother is to listen to the instincts that God gives us with our unique children and our unique situations.
Let's be comfortable with celebrating another mom's success.
Let's allow other moms to help us during our challenging times without taking offense and assuming they are out to judge us.
Let's lift each other up!
I agree with the women in these articles:
