I hate mornings, but not because I want to keep sleeping.
I lay in bed as long as I can, sometimes for hours longer than I should. I don't care that my boys end up throwing clean laundry all over my room and find cookies for breakfast. I don't dread a floor covered in clothes and crumbs.
I dread my back pain.
The moment I get out of bed, my muscles kink and screw into a muscular tornado of tightness that spirals down my spine and into my butt. Then my bones lose the fight of gravity, crushing into several trigger points along my spine. I start to feel numbing in my legs, mostly the left one. And then a wave of guilt for failing to "rise and shine" washes over me as I trudge to the bathroom, wishing that I could be as happy to see my energetic three year old as he is to see me.
For the past four or five years, my back has been in CONSTANT pain.
Sitting. Standing. Walking. Laying down. All of it is painful.
It's something I'm used to now. Most days, the pain is manageable. Some days are actually good. But frequently, there are bad days, and the bad days are BAD.
Having back pain makes most Mom-related activities even more cumbersome than normal.
Changing diapers: Ouch!
Dressing someone who is crawling away from you: Pain!
Putting a child in the carseat or shopping cart: Eek!
Soaping kids in the tub: Please, no!
Cleaning and keeping the house is more than difficult. Having a one year old and three year old is tricky enough! Adding back pain into the mix simply makes for a messy house on the regular. I can't do basic tasks like dishes, laundry or cooking for more than 20 minutes without my body screaming for me to lay down.
On the bright side, 20 minutes is a big improvement from the limited 5 or 10 minutes that I could do a couple of years ago.
When I actually do find moments to lay on the couch or ground for rest, I immediately become a human jungle gym. I try to defend myself, which is a great way to get a charlie horse in your abs. The muscle cramps lead to anger (at my boys). Anger leads to hate (at my condition). And just like Yoda put it, my hate leads to suffering (from guilt).
I tried mowing the lawn once this summer while Jeremy was gone on business. I put Dallin on my back in the bjorn so that he wouldn't wander away. Oh boy, I learned the hard way that trying to be a heroic lawn mower is not worth it!! Even with taking long breaks every 20 minutes, I couldn't finish the job. I couldn't even make it into the house to lay down. My neighbor found me sprawled across the grass in exhaustion. He graciously finished the mowing for me. I couldn't have been more embarrassed.
On days when we don't leave the house, I stay in my jammies all day long. There seems to be less pain when I'm in comfy clothes.
Sometimes, I'm extra cranky. After a while, I realize it's only because my back hurts.
One challenge for me is that I can't hold my baby for very long while standing. It's one thing to tell my child "not now" because I'm trying to cook or I need two hands for something. But it's really hard when I have to say "not now" because I physically cannot hold him.
I cry inside every time that happens.
Picking things up off the ground is avoided at all costs. It simply hurts too much to bend down and get back up. Yep, it sucks seeing my cluttered floors and having to dodge stray objects while walking across the kitchen. But it's better than feeling more pain and overusing my already very weak muscles.
The ground is gonna get cluttered again within the next hour anyway.
Waiting in the grocery line is torturous. It's already hard enough to have impatient children. Add back pain and see how easy it is to keep a smile on your face. And then of course, I have to take all the groceries out of the cart! You'd be surprised how much back bending it takes to empty a cart, at least for someone my height.
Needless to say, I'm learning a lot.
I'm learning to give up some control. I'm accepting that not everything can be done in one day or even in one week. I'm learning true understanding. I'm allowing other people to help me, and I'm kind of figuring out how to ask for help. I'm learning patience in myself and in the situation. I'm getting good at enduring and finding reasons to smile, even though my body hurts. I'm trying to make the most of it.
I'm appreciating more.
Maybe most of all, I'm learning to count my blessings.
Even though I can't stand or sit for too long and my legs sometimes give out when I walk, I can still stand and sit and walk. Even though I have to lay down a lot, I have three beautiful people in my life that give me reasons to get back up!
Sometimes, my little guys are so good at entertaining me that I forget about the pain. They tickle, snuggle, hug, and giggle. They call me Mama and sing to me.
And on some days, when I use the last few ounces of back strength left in me to lay my three year old in his bed, he whispers to me, "Mama, you're my favorite. You're the best Mama ever."
That helps even the worst back day feel a little better.
And it gives me just what I need to take courage for the following morning.
